So today, just like every other day at the moment, I revised. It has now reached the point where it is not even remotely interesting, my motivation is at an all time low and I have suddenly found many different things around the house that simply MUST be done.
Being home alone also gives me time to think. My family have gone on holiday so I have been home alone for over a month now, and at first it was eerie. I would forget that they had gone and expect my parents back from work, and then feel that wave of disappointment when I remember that they aren't coming back, and once again I will have no company. I've just realised that this sounds very depressing, please do not think I am all alone, I do see people, but I also appreciate being alone, mainly so I can revise and effectively distract myself.
Today when I was driving, I realised how lucky I am, (spoiler alert - gushy, grateful paragraph most likely coming up) the sun was shining and I had the windows down and music playing and I realised how beautiful England is, and how fantastic it is here. All I wanted to do today was go to Cornwall, and go in the sea and surf (well, attempt to surf), but I had to revise. Then I started pondering about my future, and began to wonder what I actually put on my list for life.
On my list was always the usual assumptions: university (accompanied with some wild years and some crazy stories to tell my kids and grandkids), then a job that I can start at the bottom and work to the top in, and then finally marriage and creating a nuclear family.
The problem with this list is that it doesn't include all the things I want. For example, I re-read Bill Bryson's 'A Walk in the Woods' recently and it reminded me of myself two years ago, I had finished my GCSEs and thought I was all grown up, I read 'A Walk in the Woods' and decided that one day, I would walk the Appalachian Trail (not the entire thing, I wasn't blind with optimism). This was not on my list.
I also want to live in New York (yes, as cringey as it sounds, I don't care, I hope to one day live there in a tiny apartment way out in Brooklyn somewhere).This is also not on my list.
Then I realised, maybe all the previous convictions and beliefs I had formed about by future weren't right, they were other peoples opinions I had copied, as I seemed to think that those were the suitable ideas to have. I have to make my own if I'm going to be happy, and yes, I would like a family, and I would like a degree, but it doesn't have to be perfect, my wishes are quite simple.
I would love to feel like during my life I lived and took every chance I had. I have possibly the best summer of my life lined up for me and yet all I can focus on is results day. It feels too close and too far at the same time. You spend your life as a child fighting for control with your parents, and now I just wish, with the control in my hands, that someone would take it away.
Despite my worries and hopes for the future, I am also considering something else. I don't want to be asked about tomorrow because I want to focus on today, I have so many plans for the future, but I don't want to waste a minute of my life. Its too short.
This realisation gave me a new sense of confidence - what I do or don't do is okay, because it all comes down to me in the end. I might not achieve what I set out to achieve in my life when I look back, but as long as my intentions at age 18 led me there, through my own choices, then I will be perfectly satisfied.
The main problem I have had recently is the fact that every course I look at for university, just doesn't seem enough. I feel like the courses available to me are cutting out only parts of me, and are leaving other good parts behind, parts that I need, no, parts that I want, to be maintained. I just feel like maybe there isn't a course for me, I want to find a course that makes me feel whole, as I feel like this can't be it. What I do everyday is not living, it can't be. Going through the motions of survival is not why were are here. 'Risking our hearts is why were are alive.' This quote always motivates me. Its similar to a slap in the face. It shows me that I can't just waste my life attempting to do what everyone else is doing and not feeling satisfied with the results. Everyone is different, everyone must have different goals. I feel like somewhere out there there is a job or a degree or something for me, I just have to find it. I know this can't be it, there is something I am set out to do or achieve. Everyone is born for a reason.
I know this might not be true, but I hold onto it, as it makes me feel like I can do something. So far I haven't done too well at jumping through the hoops of examination boards, so in general, academic terms, I will not have done that well in life. The thing is though, is that life is not measured in grades, and AQA does not decide myself worth.
So, after that massive unload, I will leave the few readers out there who read this. Please feel free to comment, I welcome comments or advice.
I will return when I next feel pensive. Or maybe before, depends how motivated I am to procrastinate.
