But anyway. This is it. As people say 'the world is my oyster' I could do anything. I wish that I could. But realistically my options are limited, as everything is. I could achieve great things, and though I'm not denying the possibility, the chances are that I will remain very ordinary and not get very far.
There is one set of lyrics that keep returning to my mind:
Here we are now,
Everything is about to change
We face tomorrow as we say goodbye to yesterday
A chapter ending, but the stories only just begun
A page is turning for everyone
Yes. Indeed. These lyrics are in fact from a Hannah Montana song, but it seems so accurate that I can't get it out of my mind. Everything is about to change. No statement has ever been more accurate.
Where to I go from here? That's the problem - I have no idea. I currently have no plans. Just exams and a very busy summer. No set plan for September. I am yet to find a course at a university that I actually want to do and am searching for inspiration.
According to another song by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, 'the world just opens up'. That I am relying on, for without adventure I don't see how I am supposed to find my ideal job. I think life experience is in order, but the problem is is that I am not ready to let go of all my friends and family.
How do you say goodbye to those you have grown to love and value most in the world? (Apart from Zac Efron of course, as he will be with me wherever I go). The world is just one big unknown to basically every 18 year old on the planet, and after results day in August we all emerge, blinking in the sunlight of a new world armed with ID and a student loan, hoping to succeed in the world. The problem is is that in the real world there are no guarantees. That is the main problem. School is hard yes, but there are always safety nets - things/people to catch you when you fall, but out there, there is nothing. Just the hard floor.
That is my problem. I love guarantees. I would rather eat the same thing for dinner every night than risk disappointment - I always play it safe. It is just logical self preservation, yet mine is extreme and is currently holding me back. The risk of applying for the course I want to do and being rejected is too much - therefore I have not applied. Instead I have applied for something different and then freaked out. I rejected the opportunity I had for a guaranteed future and have once again plunged deep into the unknown.
I envy most of my friends who had secured a place at university. I also envy my friends who have a year left to decide, as the time they have will fly by and before they know it they will be in my situation. Leaving home also scares me, but only because I don't like the dark. I love my family, but you reach a point when you want to be able to wear the same outfit for a week and not be judged, and, well, lets just say my family aren't that forgiving.
Its bittersweet leaving school.
Its scarier considering exploring the real world though.
I have never felt more confused as to when I am supposed to pick my future, but I am hoping that one day, I will be able to make a fully formed decision with low risks on what that future will be.
